I had the best damn bagel this morning. It was almost too hot to pick up, and the top half was sliding off the bottom, lubricated by the copious coagulation of melty-warm cream cheese. I chased the sticky breakfast sandwich down with grateful gulps of orange juice.
...
An Odd-End I was looking at the "Footprints" feature on xanga, and I noticed that one of my visitors was from Norway. Do I know any Norwegians? I looked at the referrer to see how they found my page--it seems he found it whilst doing a Google search for "Vannessa Mae sexy photos".
Ugg.
Another Odd-End
Facebook apparently has a "predictions" page where you can predict what will happen to your friends who have gone off to college. All of the predictions are lame and clichéd--they should have hired a pro. Got a real prediction? Leave it in the comments.
Most likely to be caught masturbating by his roommate Most likely to catch his roommate masturbating Most likely to think obsessively about times and places he can safely masturbate Most likely to become a Jew for Jesus Most likely to fall asleep in a puddle of vomit Most likely to cry in the shower Most likely to buy illicit Adderall Most likely to sell illicit Adderall Most likely to be completely alienated for four years Most likely to read Joyce just to fit in Most likely to drop out Most likely to be out of money before September is over First person to dump long-distance boyfriend/girlfriend First person to cheat on long-distance boyfriend/girlfriend Most likely to go black and never go back Most likely to gain the "Freshman 45" Most likely not to realize that Grigory Zinoviev is not considered a fun topic of conversation outside IB Most likely never to get laid, no matter how drunk he gets
And of course: Most likely to see Tan Dun's new opera at the Met, buy weed from Haley Joel Osment, hit up Chinatown at midnight, use his impressive knowledge of French avant-garde film to score with both the Olsen twins, play chess with homeless dudes in Central Park, win a Tony for no particular reason, and appear in a public service announcement for the American Library Association: Jonathan Koch.
"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today. I want to be a part of it-- New York, New York.
These vagabond shoes Are longing to stray And step around the heart of it New York, New York.
I want to wake up in a city, That doesn't sleep, To find I'm king of the hill-ah!- Top of the heap.
My little town blues Are melting away I'm gonna make a brand new start of it In old New York. If I can make it there, I'd make it anywhere It's up to you, New York, New York." --Jay-Z
BA-BA-BA-NA-NA, BA-BA-BA-NA-NA...
Yes sir. Welcome to the Empire State. Home of the World Trade. Birthplace of Michael Jordan. Home of Biggie Smalls. Roc-A-Fella Headquarters. Ladies and gentlemen, Killa Cam, Young Hov is definitely in the building. Brooklyn, Harlem World, stand the fuck up! At least, that's how Frank Sinatra put it.
Back in ninth grade, I was a romantic straw-haired lad who read Shelley underneath his desk when he should have been minding his biology teacher. Then somewhere in the middle of tenth grade I turned into a big-nosed Jew with a deep aversion to the outdoors who thought Shelley was crap. What a long, strange trip that was!
The other day, I calculated that I have consumed, in my lifetime, 5 years and 150 days' worth of peanutbutter-and-jelley sandwiches for lunch. And I have no regrets. Peanutbutter and jelley is damn good, and anyone who tells you otherwise is either a fool or a scoundrel. But let me tell you what I am going to eat for breakfast every day for the next four years: a warm, freshly baked bagel slathered with melty cream cheese that just slightly drips off the face of the bagel, into the little hole in the center, which I will then be obliged to lick clean in a coy, semi-erotic gesture, much as I did a glazed doughnut at the 8th grade Honor Roll breakfast which drew forth the comment from Patrick Ng: "He licked that doughnut like it's a pussy!"
Yes, Patrick, I sure did.
I'll need to acclimate myself to my new surroundings. New York geography is easy: the Bronx is up, and the Battery's down. You can get a knish on the Lower East Side.
Edit: I Guess George Allen Really is as Dumb as a Post C'mon guys, it was just some light-hearted racism... But whether he's racist or not, he's obviously too stupid to serve. You just don't say stuff like this to a guy with a camera:
Introducing... I thought I should introduce all of you to the new love of my life:
A brand new American violin, handmade by Jacob Kessler Simmons. It has a crisp, powerful sound and is a breeze to play. Over the next couple years, the tone will get richer and more complex, but I'm already very happy with it. This violin is so much fun to play, I have completely re-evaluated my priorities:
Things in Life That Jonathan Loves (In Order of Most to Least) 1. his new violin 2. his new MacBook Pro 3. the Internet 4. carbon paper 5. mankind
...so I'm moving in on the 27th. When are you moving in? I see. Have you talked to your roommate yet? Well I sure have. Josh's e-mail went a little something like this:
Dear Jonathan, Hey! What's up? I hope you've had a good summer. I'm really excited about coming to NYU and everything. I found out you're my roommate, so I thought we should get acquainted, find out who's bringing what, etc. etc. So anyways, here goes. Hi. I'm Josh. I'm from the suburbs of Connecticut. I like to read and listen to music; you know, the usual. But I guess my main hobby is amateur taxidermy. Actually, I started a taxidermy club at my school. Every week, me and a bunch of guys (and girls are allowed too!) go out on the highway to collect roadkill. Sometimes we can identify what kind of animal it was--but most of the time it's mangled beyond belief. It's pretty funny! Like one time we found this possum that was as flat as a pancake (well, I'm assuming it was a possum!)--fur, guts, bone, all pressed to a chunky dough. Everything was ground up flush to the asphalt, and there were bones sticking up in the craziest places. It was really something else! Actually, it reminded me a bit of pajeon. Have you ever had pajeon? It's very good. Well anyway, I tried to pick it up with my tongs (I didn't bring a spatula!), but I ended up just mushing it into the pavement even more. I had to give up, everyone was laughing so hard. Ah, good times!
Of course, it's not all just giggles. After I bag my samples, I take them back to the lab where I identify and reconstruct them. It's an enjoyable, though painstaking, task. When I finish, I usually take them home for safekeeping and display. I hope you don't mind if I bring some along to adorn our room--I daresay they'll make apt conversation pieces!
Hmm... So what else? I guess I should tell you that I suffer from somnambulance. It's not that bad really--I mean, I don't even realize it when I'm punching people in the groin! Ha! ha! Yeah, I've had some pretty wacky adventures while sleeping. Once, my parents woke up to find me unconsciously stabbing my sister in the legs--after that I started seeing Dr. Frischberg.
I like Dr. Frischberg. He's my friend. He says I have a "morbid obsession" with knives. Well I don't think it's a "morbid obsession"--it's just a very, very diverse collection, encompassing everything from standard woodsman's pocketknives to rare and valuable specimens. I even have some ceremonial ones dating back to the Mughal empire. Impressive, no? Yeah, the guard didn't realize that the museum was having a give-away until I used some of my persuasive techniques--the kind they don't teach you in English 10 Honors.
I'm really not that much of a partier, but I love to do cocaine. It's not that I'm I addicted or anything, but I believe I get a higher sense of intellectual and aesthetic pleasure from it than most people. I keep a pack of super-absorbant sanitary napkins around, just for the occasional once-in-a-while that I start bleeding profusely from my nose. I also keep some epinephrine syringe kits around for emergencies--just stab me in the sternum when that happens, it's not too hard. Don't throw them out when you're done, though--those things cost money, man.
Speaking of money, I have been known to "do things" in order to get cocaine. Nothing too wild, but I will say this--I once got my whole fist up this one chick's cunt. It was awesome.
Let's see... anything else? Hmmm... well, I don't know if you've ever heard of the MacDonald Triad, but let's just say I suffer from the nocturnal enuresis portion. It's not so bad, really--I just sprinkle some baking soda over my bedspread every morning, that usually takes care of the smell.
There's one more thing I think I should add: when it comes to the toilet, I have terrible aim. I don't know what causes this--I always hold my dick straight and steady, and I'm always careful to go extra-slowly. But all of this is to no avail. Have you ever had your pee split in half when you're taking that morning piss? Well with me, it happens any time of the day or night. Not that I'm complaining--it's better than not being able to pee at all, right? Anyway, I would sit down, but that would make me less of a man. Sitting down to pee is a dirty, unnatural habit, and men who sit down to pee are not even worthy of being called "men"--they live worthless lives, totally devoid of the higher spiritual qualities shared by people like you and I. What's more, they are drains on society, as their souls are characterised by Hebrew shallowness and egoism. Jews who sit down to pee have no place in our Western civilisation.
You must excuse my little tangent--as you can tell this is an important topic for me. Actually, it's the basis of my philosophy--the idea that the races are divided between two polar opposites--the Jew, who sits down to pee, and the Christian, who, demonstrating the higher spiritual qualities of manhood, selflessness, and oneness with nature, pees standing up. Much of this occured to me while listening to Parsifal; I realized that the compassionate and pure Parsifal possesses the full set of genitalia that he was born with, and therefore pees standing up; whereas the balls-less Klingsor, who can neither repudiate his desire nor comprehend selfless beauty, pees sitting down, because he doesn't want the Flower Maidens to glimpse his balls-less condition. By the way, Wagner is the only music I listen to. I prefer not to use headphones--my ears always start hurting by the second act. From the headphones, that is, not the music. I hope this is fine with you. I saw from Facebook that you're a music major--perhaps I've finally found someone who shares my passion for Wagner!
But about my pissing--I try to clean up after myself as best I can, but you know how it is--we all get a "case of the lazies" from time to time! I usually just use some baking soda to take care of the bathroom smell too. By the way, did you ever make one of those baking soda volcanoes when you were a kid? Co-incidentally, baking soda and urine produce the same foaming reaction! It's quite entertaining.
Finally, I feel I should tell you that I have a bit of a "rape problem." That's what Dr. Frischberg calls it, anyway--I prefer to think of it as "surprise sex," but you know how PC everything is these days. I've been making some progress, though--every time I feel like I want to give someone a "surprise," I try to visualize a pair of scissors de-balis-inating me (much as Klingsor de-balls-inated himself), and having to pee sitting down for the rest of my life. I give it about a 50-50; it works half the time.
So that pretty much does it for me. Tell me about yourself--what you like to do with your free time and such. Also, we should work out who's bringing what--I've got a pretty nice minifridge I can bring; it used to be my older brother's but it's in pretty good shape. I've also got an X-Box, but I don't have a TV. I hope your summer's going well. I'm really excited about starting NYU, and I look forward to meeting you!
Sincerely, Josh P.S. I don't need to get a meningitis shot as long as everybody else does, right?
